Mom vs Provider vs Nurturer

So, I have been working on the Ambulance as a Paramedic for a little bit now. I am working towards getting my own truck shortly. Yay for me... But to everything there is an "opposition". Lately it has been the "mom" side of me. Let me explain. Kyle has been acting up at school... I think I have that one nipped... Molly has now been complaining of a stomach ache everyday before school, ad says she just wants to stay home with me. I quickly tell her that mommy doesn't stay home. So, she says she wants me to stay home from work. I can't do that. And we have been so short handed lately, everyone has been working overtime. So, little traditions have been pushed to the side. reading before bed, snuggling, reading our scriptures as a family. I think I have come up with a little solution or a temporary fix. I love the power of technology. I figure I will do like I did during deployment. Video messages, so they can hear and see me... plus do 2 out of the three things I have been neglecting since I started working. So, here it goes.

Trying to find peace...

So, last night I think I lost it. I have been giving Tyler a ton of attention lately because he has been really sick. Molly decided to throw a temper tantrum. I lost it. I havent felt this out of control in a long time. Let me clarify. When I say I lost it, I raised my voice at her, and sent her to her room for the night. She kept coming out. I kept sending her back... and not in a quiet way. She has my stubbornness and hard-headedness... Night time is a stressful time..most of the time. I dont know how to get past it. I ended up sitting in her room trying to get her to calm down, but sometimes when she goes into a fit, it takes hours for her to come down. I didnt like feeling this out of control... in fact I hated it (bad word...I know). My workout even suffered this morning because my heart was heavy... not just my body. And yesterday started out so well.. She has this way with Tyler. He doesn't like getting these breathing treatments that he has to have. Molly heard him fussing at 0600 and came out and danced in front of him... It always makes him laugh. Then she read a book to him while I was in the shower. She made Kyle's bed... and she was ready for school waaaaaay before it was time to leave... Kyle too. I couldnt help but think what a wonderful morning it was. After school, we walked home. They had snacks, and went outside to play until dark. 65 degrees. I should've known that it was going to be a rough night when she wouldn't come inside. Arrrggghhhh.... Well, at least Kyle and Tyler were good for more... They haven't learned the art of ganging up on me just yet. Hopefully today will be a better day...No, not hopefully--Today will be a better day!

The battle within....

So, The battle within... That is what I am calling my journey right now... All I can say is that it is a good thing that I am stubborn. Today I was doing my squats, and my left shin started aching... The thought came into my head, "awww, just skip this one... what's it going to hurt?" Me... it will hurt me!! Not matter how inconvenient it feels right now, I don't want to cut corners. No one is going to just hand me the body I want. And if they did, I wouldn't want it because I didn't earn it. I would probably end up getting into worse shape than I am right now. So, the way I figure it- if I earn it, then I can continue to push to mold my body the way I want it... and like the results. I have no one to blame but myself if I dont get it to turn out the way I want. So, new shoes are on the horizon... Been putting that off for a while, but it is time. And recovery and protein drinks are too... these 1000 calorie workouts really pay a toll after a while. The good thing is that today I looked into the mirror... and wasnt ashamed of what I saw. It's a funny thing- perspective- when I am working out every day I notice the flaws but they dont "sting" as much or bring me down. The flaws I see actually push me to becoming a better me.

Push through

Today was a "push through" kind of day. I got on the treadmill this morning and had "nothing". So, what do you do when that happens? You push through... So, I cranked the treadmill up to wake up my endorphins and pushed through. My shins started hurting, so I cranked the incline... and pushed through. I can't allow myself to become weak when trying to teach myself to be strong again. So when obstacles happen, PUSH THROUGH!!!!

Small things....

So, today I am grateful for the small things. Take for instance the guy at the gym this morning... Thank you guy at the gym with his girlfriend for pushing me harder than I thought I could be pushed today. By your kindness in grabbing your weights for your girlfriend, I was forced to go up in weights. So thank you for inadvertently pushing me to reach my limits this morning... lol... No, I really am grateful to those around me that help me become better... There is this one guy at the gym who always gets on the treamill 2 away from mine... when you get that close to me, it becomes a race... The commercial with Mia Hamm and Michael Jordan comes to mind- "Anything you can do,I can do better..." Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.

MY GOAL IS TO BE IN THIS GOOD OF SHAPE AGAIN!!!! Slowly but surely!!!

GRRRRR....

Today I didnt want to get up... But I have devised a way to ensure that I get out of bed at 0400 and to the gym by 0415 every morning. I sleep in a sweatshirt and long pants with socks on. Anyone that knows me well knows that I hate to sleep with socks on and be hot while I am sleeping... Drives me nuts. So by 0350 I am sweating like crazy and have to get out of bed to cool off. See, love to outsmart myself!!! Not a bad workout today. I only did 2.5 miles of sprints... but, it's better than laying in bed!! Everyone comes to a point where the have had ENOUGH. Today is the day most people really mean to make serious changes in their lives. They talk about all the great things they are going to do this year and the positive changes they are going to make. They get excited and pumped and start down a new road of progress for themselves in many areas of their lives. Unfortunately, this usually lasts for about 3 days. They miss the most important part of the equation: The never cross from getting excited and pumped over to taking action...or if they do its short lived. Real change takes real commitment and real action! Its takes forcefully implementing new habits. Which means doing things you don't feel like doing over and over again until they are new habits. The first couple days will be easy, but its what you do once the initial excitement wears off that determines if you are going to make it or not. Real change means making a decision and sticking with that decision no matter what happens or how hard it gets. Expect challenges, expect setbacks but expect to overcome them...but most of all...expect to do the work! What you have done up until this point in no way dictates what you will do from this point forward. Whatever it is you are looking to change this year, you can and will....IF you are willing to move through just talking about the possibilities and on to ACTING on the plan that will bring you to your destination. Attaining goals is simple in concept, but challenging in discipline and effort. Thats ok, because the end result is always worth it. When was the last time you got something amazing with little or no effort? "What one man can do...another can do". There is no truer statement when it comes to accomplishing anything. Many people have already set the bar for what is possible, all you have to do is follow the plan. You are not the "special" exception to this rule. Many people have accomplished what it is you want with much tougher obstacles in their way. Let this statement ring in your head when the going gets tough for you...which it will. Lets make this THE YEAR. Forget about the past and what dreams may not have been fulfilled and lets get focused on what we really want for ourselves and make a decision to do whatever it takes to make it happen.

Routines and Schedules...

YAY!!!! School is back in. I can get on my schedule again. Even though I haven't been writing, I have still been working out. It's a funny thing. I have this inner athlete that pushes me along. Take today, for instance. I was just going to run a mile for warm-up. Then the inner athlete in me says, "Are you kidding me? Is that all you've got?" So I pushed a little harder, ran a little faster. I burned 950 calories this morning. I don't know that I will ever satisfy the "inner athlete", but I am extremely grateful to have it pushing me along and helping me reach my goals.

motivation

Patience. The lack of it can be the biggest culprit of failed goals and regret in any area of life. Big life changing results are the result of consistent small steps over the course of time (sometimes years). Big life changing results are NOT the result of massive effort for a few days or weeks. Most people quit before the real progress can even be noticed...and you always find yourself back in the same place...the beginning...more desperate each time. You wouldn't get to mile number 10 in a marathon and decide to go back to the starting line would you? Obviously, with that mentality you'd never get to the end. So don't make the same mistake with your life. Get some patience. Do the work consistently. The results will be there.

Shame on me!!!

So, I was caught in the Christmas laziness.... I just got back into the gym this morning... its been almost 5 days since my last workout... Man, I sound like an AA meeting gone bad. Anyways, I figured out a few things this morning. First of all, I have a long way to go till I am in great shape. Second, I am going to repeat this weeks workout again next week. I dont feel like I have mastered it, but I will. Third, I was doing my cool down on the bike and watching ESPN. So, this commercial comes on and I just start laughing out loud. It was a commercial for professional bowlers, and it was trying to make them look all sexy and what not. Two things-- I didnt have my headphones plugged into it, so the song that I had on "Sexy and I know it" (which makes me laugh anyways) was playing when this commercial came on... And next-- there is no possible way to make bowling look sexy... Don't get me wrong-I have a great time bowling with my kiddos... But sexy?? LOL... So, all in all not a bad workout this morning... 800 calories burned...

Mild case of OCD...

So, today I found out that a mild case of OCD is okay... I reached my goal of 500 calories on the bike. Then I needed to cool down, so I threw in another mile. But, then the calories didnt come out to a 50 or a 0. So, I kept going. Then, the miles didnt match... I could've spent forever at the gym fixing this problem... Good workout today 22 miles on the bike... and who knows how many calories... I just know that I went over 500... WOOT WOOT!!!

LOVE THESE BABIES!!!!

Perfect for my "Perspectives"

Most people are so afraid that others wont approve or believe in their dreams/goals that they don't even try. Well, I hate to break it to you, but if you don't even have enough courage to say what you really want for fear of others disapproval...your chances of making it anywhere but where you are currently are virtually non existent. Success makes other people uncomfortable because they are forced to look in the mirror and judge their own progress.The truth is, many people (sometimes the ones closest to you) are going to always want to see you fail at whatever it is you do for this exact reason. THIS IS A FACT. Everyone who has ever accomplished ANYTHING has dealt with this. NEVER let them stand in your way. You don't need their approval to succeed...you only need your own belief in yourself and willingness to do the work! Nothing is impossible. Quit being a whiner/excuse maker. Put on your work boots. Get to work. Learn to be strong. If people get in your way, ignore them or run them over. Do whatever it takes...because in the end you'll be the one with regrets if you don't.

Perspectives...

So, when I was at the gym surrounded by a thousand mirrors (at least thats what it felt like) I caught myself doing something---or not doing something for that matter... I dont look in the mirrors. It's hard when you are trying to reach a goal to see where you are right now. But here is the kicker. On the days when I am there all alone, I think- Heck yeah, I'm doing it. But on the days when other people are there I catch a glimpse in the mirror and think-- Dang it's you again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not quitting by any means. I will just drive on. But, I was looking around today instead of seeing the "me" in the mirror and I saw a quote that sums up what needs to take place in my life. "DON'T LIMIT YOUR CHALLENGES, CHALLENGE YOUR LIMITS!" So, this will be my drive from now on.. pushing a little harder and harder each time I am given the chance. I have been blessed with a gym at my disposal, and I am taking advantage of it at much as I can! That being said. DAY 2 of the SUPERMAN Workout complete. And 1.5 miles run to warm up and 5 miles bike to cool down.

Still going....

So, you don't die when you turn 34... Just so you all know.. lol.. According to my kiddos I am "700 years old". Yesterday's workout was a really good one. I did week two of my Superman transformation workout!! It kicked my butt...in a good way. Today was intervals. Although I wasn't at the gym for longer than an hour today, my clothes were soaking wet and my legs shaky. I only went 2.25 miles doing sprints. I need to start getting it up to 3-4 miles of sprints. Patience Grasshopper, that will happen. I am the biggest squirrel when it comes to thinking while working out. I have a feeling the next few years are going to hold something good in store for myself and my family.. I'm just saying. I look forward to it. I am definitely getting my CCL this next month. Especially for when I am out and about with the kiddos. See.... Squirrel!!! lol

Are these too big to use for the CCL??? Just kidding!!

YAY!!!

So, being a mom has its advantages and disadvantages... ADVANTAGE: Kiddos that want to snuggle... DISADVANTAGE: They all want to snuggle at the same time in my twin bed. Let's just say that with those little hot bodies, who needs a heater? So, at 0200 I put them all in there beds again so that I could get a little sleep before my 0400 wakeup. The gym was good this morning. I threw in an extra set of reps on everything, so I feel really good right now. My body feels so sore... I feel alive!!! I was looking at the trainers on the wall. It looks like one of the girls I played soccer with in college is a trainer, and one of the guys I worked with at a trucking company is also a trainer. Small world. Well, I burned 600 calories today. Slow but steady... Tomorrow I have a 3.5 mile run planned before drill.. YAY!!! There is something about the solitude of being outside under the stars that I just love... It is so peaceful and calming.

Little Victories...

So, I've decided instead of focusing on what I was and what I am not, I am going to focus on the little victories that life allows me to earn.. First victory, Day 2 at the gym, consistant 0400 wakeup. 0415 at the gym. Second victory, 1 hour on the eliptical on level 5. I've only done the eliptical one other time, and I felt like a chicken trying to swim... So, then I did three miles on the bike. I am accepting my flaws as goals that I need to overcome. Little victories are what keep me going. Tomorrow will be day 2 of weights. Thank you for the SUPERMAN workout. I will push my self with more reps... Like I said, I am learning to love little victories.

Little know fact about sharks... Some will drown if they stop moving... So, I will keep moving too... lol (I took these pics at the aquarium at the Mall Of America.) My kiddos loved it!

Still trucking!!!

Well, I have to admit it... I am in horrible shape. It sucks to realize that half way through the workout. But, I will continue the workouts until I am where I want to be... no matter how awkward I may look or feel. It sucks to have the "me I used to be" still in my head, and look in the mirror and see the me I am today. I am still working on it though. My end goal will be to weigh 155lbs and be 18% body fat (I will take less than that, but that is my goal for now. My deadline is APRIL APFT!!! That gives me about 4 months to make it happen! I want to be able to run and play with my kiddos, and have them not beat me all the time...fast little buggers. I want to be able to put a shirt on and not have it show all my imperfections. I want to be able to wear my jeans that look nice on me again. Still trucking. I want to be able to look and feel like a soldier and an athlete again. I want to get rid of my Large ACU's and go back to having my Medium's feel loose on me..

This is what I want to be like again!!!

Ramblings on the run....

This morning was beautiful. A brisk 33 degrees and skies as clear as can be. I was blessed to see 2 shooting stars, and all I could think was, "Man, Molly and Kyle are going to be so excited." I really started to ponder some things today. A lot of it has to do with medicine and my military career. I started to think about what kind of MEDIC I wanted to be and how to better myself. I see the Soldiers around me that don't know a lot about medicine (teaching a CLS class to a transportation unit today), and I want to help them understand. So, I was going through the steps of triage, treating and different procedures in my head. I want to teach. My passion is helping others have that light bulb go off in their heads that says, "Oh, this makes sense now." I want to know that when my brothers (literally my brothers... from the same Mama) are in situations where they need help, they have someone that they trust their life to. I may never know what they went through, or feel what they felt, but I need to know that I am ready to help if called upon. Hopefully that passion will rub off on MEDICS that don't care as much about their jobs. I was blessed to have one of the most incredible instructors that I could have ever been blessed with. She is a Paramedic and taught with such passion and experience that it was hard to not be excited about learning. For that, I will be eternally grateful!! I need to push myself to be the best that I can be. People trust that when they need help, it will be there. I am sure there will be those, "Oh Crap" moments when I first start as a Paramedic, but I will learn from them, and ensure that I will become better with each call. This next year is going to be interesting. I will finish up school, earn my degree and license, and put my PA packet in. I have been extremely blessed to have mentors in my life to help guide me to what I need to learn and where I need to be. Working in the EMT this past Deployment helped me to understand and acquire the thirst for knowledge. I had the best Doc's, PA and NP that I could ever ask for. They allowed me to pick their brains and learn what my passion truly is. It seems like the more I am around a higher degree of knowledge, the more I get excited about medicine and want to know what they know. So, enough with the ramblings... Great run this morning: 3.5 mile run, .8 walk warm up/ cool down. Run was done in 35 minutes. Not a bad start... Gotta start somewhere.

My Motivation for today....

Today as I was running, my mind was all over the place. Where I've been, what I'm doing now, and where I see myself in the coming years. As I hit my last mile, the hill climb with the wind in my face, I couldn't help but think about someone I have noticed for the past few years. I don't know her name, probably never will. She was this somewhat larger woman. My kiddos and I first noticed her when she was walking by my sister's house. It seemed pretty normal to see someone walking. That wasn't what caught my attention. 2 hours after being at my sister's house, I saw the lady again...walking the opposite direction. I thought to myself... "Good for her, she's out and doing it!" Throughout the next few months I saw her everyday. My little one's noticed her too. We would always cheer in the car as we drove by. The kiddos call her the turtle lady, because we saw her rescue a turtle one day from being hit by a car. So, as we watched her day in and day out, we started to see her jog for a little bit , then go back to walking. She did this for a while. I left for deployment. When I came home, she had lost a lot of weight and is now running. The other day I saw her running way past my house, turn around and keep going!!! We never know who we are going to inspire by our actions, and our consistency. Even if it is something like going for a walk everyday, we motivate others through our actions. Thank you "TURTLE LADY" for being my motivation. DAY 6: 3.5 mile run .8 mile walk warm up'cool down.

Running Thoughts

I often wonder what life would be like if I made a few different choices here and there. Would I be successful? Would I have kiddos? Would I be traveling the world? I look at what life could be if I had decided to make different choices. Honestly, I dont know that I would like it as much as I like my life now. Yes my life is difficult, and the choices I have made have contributed to that. However, it is my life, and my challenges.. I wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes I think I just need to learn to breathe...because breathing is the key to life!